Find the right help.
There are at least four kinds of professional help for the position you're in, and only one fits at any given time. This six-question check finds the right one before you spend money on the wrong one.
Are you and your partner aligned on whether to work on the marriage?
"Aligned" means: you'd both say yes to "we are committing to repair this marriage right now." Not "we should." Not "I think they would." Both of you, today.
Is the dominant problem behavioral or emotional?
Behavioral: communication patterns, conflict cycles, specific habits, parenting differences. Emotional: disconnection, feeling unseen, intimacy gone, deep loneliness in the relationship.
Has either of you been to couples therapy together before?
Couples therapy assumes commitment to the marriage. If commitment isn't there, couples therapy can quietly fail and reinforce the loop.
Is one or both of you carrying significant individual distress?
Untreated depression, anxiety, trauma, addiction, or unprocessed grief on either side. Often the marriage problem becomes solvable only after the individual problem gets attention.
Discernment counseling first.
Discernment counseling was developed by William Doherty for exactly this situation: one or both partners are unsure whether to work on the marriage or end it. It's typically 1–5 sessions and produces a clear three-path decision (work on it, separate, or end it). It is not couples therapy, and it does not require commitment to the marriage to start.
What to look for: a therapist trained specifically in Doherty's discernment counseling model. Many couples therapists are not. Confirm the training before booking.
Gottman-method couples therapy.
The Gottman method is the most extensively researched approach to behavioral couples work. It's structured, it gives you specific tools, and it has decades of outcome data. Best fit when the marriage is committed but the day-to-day patterns are eroding the connection.
What to look for: a Gottman-certified therapist (Levels 1–3). Other clinicians may use Gottman techniques, but certification confirms structured training.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).
EFT, developed by Sue Johnson, is the gold-standard approach when the dominant complaint is disconnection, withdrawal, or emotional distance. It works on the attachment bond underneath the daily mechanics. Strong evidence base; best fit when both partners are committed and the marriage feels lonely or numb.
What to look for: an ICEEFT-certified therapist. Certification matters — EFT done partially can backfire.
Individual therapy first.
When one or both partners is carrying significant untreated individual distress (depression, trauma, addiction, anxiety, grief), couples work tends to circle the symptoms instead of addressing the cause. Individual therapy first; couples or discernment work added in once the individual baseline is stable.
This isn't a delay tactic. It's the order that works.
Couples therapy, your therapist's choice of model.
You're aligned, individual baselines are stable, and the problem is mixed (some behavioral, some emotional). Most well-trained couples therapists can integrate Gottman tools and EFT principles. The match with the therapist matters more than the model at this point.
What to look for: an LMFT or psychologist with at least five years of couples-specific experience and training in either Gottman or EFT.